PARTS WORK

Road Map To Within

Know Thy Self

Parts work is essentially a method of self-inquiry centered on establish­ing lines of communication within oneself. The results of this “inner relating” are often surprising. It turns out that our parts have been try­ing to communicate with us our whole lives, and few of us realize on our own that how we talk back really matters. The dialogues we have within (which don’t just happen in words) can open doors of possibility and they can close them. They can lead us toward healing and they can deepen our wounding and confusion.

It’s said that the most important relation­ship we’ll ever have is with ourselves; after all, who else is with you every second of every day? Thus, the quality of relationship we have with our parts impacts the quality of everything we experience and everything we do. The psyche is the filter through which all of our perceptions and decisions pass through and thus how we tend the psyche vis-a-vis our parts is of pivotal importance.

Later in this chapter we’ll explore a tried-and-true method for engag­ing in such self-inquiry and conscious inner dialogues. First, I’d like to demystify the nature of parts a bit more so we can enter this work with more clarity.

I’ve found these two simple insights to be most helpful in under­standing how to engage with parts:

1. Parts are like people. Parts simply want what everyone wants: to feel safe, loved, respected, listened to, valued, and supported. We all want to feel welcomed, for others to give us the benefit of the doubt, and to be judged by our good intentions. We all tend to re­lax and become quite affable and amenable when met in this way.

Conversely, no one wants to feel criticized, struggle to be heard, or be misunderstood. In such conditions just about anyone will shut down, fight back, or pretend everything’s okay when it’s re­ally not. Same goes for the living energies we meet inside when doing parts work.

2. Your inner system of parts truly operates like a family. Members of literal family systems settle into identifiable roles such as “the achiever,” “the peacemaker,” or “the black sheep.” Similarly, parts are distinct personalities, performing complementary roles and functions within the inner ecosystem. Again, when parts are met the way any person wants to be met, there is an inclination toward harmony. However, when literal family members feel neglected, when teenagers are forced into parentified roles, when children are scapegoated or resented for being “too much,” when only cer­tain emotions are safe to express, and so on—the system can easily fall into a dysfunctional mode of conflict and estrangement.

It’s entirely possible for a family to achieve a harmonious and healthy baseline with each other. In most literal families, however, one runs into beliefs and attitudes that basically boil down to “This is just the way we are.” For example, “We’re the Smiths, and we don’t talk about our feelings”; “We’re the Garcias; we’re difficult and that’s just that.” It’s sad that so many families don’t believe they could evolve into a more functional and mutually supportive state.

Similarly, harmony from the inside out is possible for us as individuals. Yet many of us don’t hold this as a value or believe that it’s something worth working toward. Another striking par­allel is just how many of our parts hold the belief, “This is just the way I am and that’s that,” when the truth is parts are products of their conditioning.

I think to the ancient Hindu mantra achintya bheda abheda tattva, often translated as “the inconceivable truth of simultaneous oneness and diversity.” The mantra actually has theistic origins and de­scribes how, in one system of understanding at least, God is one with all things and yet all things are “part and parcel” of God.

However, I be­lieve this also describes the way in which we are each a whole person (oneness) but made of parts (diversity) at the same time, which is indeed inconceivable. It doesn’t quite make sense, but it also has a global corol­lary (one among many): the ways in which all humans are one species, one family—and yet great diversity abounds. Both things are true and important at once. All of which is to say, your parts are none other than you and yet they also have a life beyond you. Parts themselves have sen­tience, volition, and hold the content of our past experiences that we of­ten don’t even realize is there.

Many IFS practitioners come to believe that their parts are real, sep­arate beings leading lives of their own inside us. Another theory is that parts are an anthropomorphization of the nervous system. Personally, I default to an agnostic stance on all things unseen. Despite all my con­firmed experiences, who knows what’s really going on in this wild uni­verse? Still, no matter what position one takes, the truth is that parts are living, feeling, and responsive beings by virtue of the fact that we are. Thus, all parts deserve our attention, care, and respect no matter what. This contrasts from the culturally prevalent view that there are parts of us who need to shut up, go away, or suffer an “ego death.”

Source- Outshine Trauma