Awakening Self-Compassion
Articles
May 9, 2021
Hold yourself as a mother holds her beloved child. —Buddha
We are so quick to judge one another. And just as we are hard on others we are even harder on ourselves. With mindfulness, our natural compassion grows. We can see that we are all carrying our own burden of tears. You and everyone you meet are sharing in some measure of the pain present on the planet. You are called upon to witness this pain—in yourself and others—with compassion. But how can we do this when we live in a time where it seems we have lost contact with the power of mercy and compassion, when we have closed off to the suffering of ourselves and others?
We have to begin to sense the tears for ourselves before we can cry for others. These tears are actually a great gift. They are the same moisture that brings new life out of the dry earth every spring. For the Lakota Sioux, grief is considered a great gift because they believe the gods are closest to us when we are suffering. When a Lakota Sioux has suffered a great loss and is grieving, he or she is considered wacan, or “most holy.” Their prayers are believed to be especially powerful, and others will often ask one who grieves to pray on their behalf.
This doesn’t mean that compassion will be easy, especially when you’ve been betrayed or you’ve suffered some irreplaceable loss. As the Sufis pray, “Overcome any bitterness that may have come because I am not up to the magnitude of the pain that has been entrusted to me.”
You may want to heal, but still find yourself slipping back into old habits of anger and resentment. This can be the most frustrating. After struggling for half a century with the British Empire, Mahatma Gandhi said that his most formidable opponent was not the British Empire or the Indian people, but a man named Mohandas K. Gandhi. “With him I seem to have very little influence.”
But it is necessary to learn that you are worthy of being loved. Buddha put it quite simply: “You can search the whole tenfold universe and not find a single being more worthy of love and compassion than the one seated here—yourself.” Self-compassion and self-forgiveness are not weaknesses, but the roots of our courage and magnanimity. Sometimes compassion for ourselves and others seems hard to find. But even if you lose touch with these feelings during your most intense suffering, compassion is an essential part of our true nature. In fact, it is in this self-compassion and self-love that you find the strength to carry a lamp through your darkest nights. And it is by first practicing self-compassion that you find not only a way to hold your own struggles and sorrows in your heart—but through them you learn how to connect with the sufferings and sorrows of all those around.
This self-compassion helps us all survive. It causes us to jump out of the way of an unexpected fast car as we enter the street. We treasure our life. Self-compassion struggles to keep us alive even in situations of complete abandonment and abuse.
As you go through your difficulties, you can learn to bring a quality of loving care to everything you touch. You will find that love and care have an extraordinary capacity to transform the sorrows of your life into a great stream of compassion.
Be gentle with yourself—it should not be a struggle. Know your limitations. Extend your compassion only as far as you feel your heart opening naturally. Plant your seed of trust. It will grow in its season.
As you face loss, frustration, hurt, and conflict, invite a sense of your own dignity. Sit up, stand up tall. Have respect for yourself, and patience and compassion. With these, you can handle anything.
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Mindful self-love is a practice that involves being aware of your thoughts and feelings about yourself, and treating yourself with kindness and compassion. It’s a way to be present and accept your emotions without judgment.
How to practice mindful self-love:
Be mindful: Pay attention to your thoughts and feelings throughout the day.
Be kind to yourself: Notice and challenge negative self-talk.
Practice self-care: Do things that make you feel good.
Set boundaries: Protect yourself and act on what you need.
Forgive yourself: Extend the same grace and forgiveness you would to a friend.
Other tips for self-love:
Get to know yourself.
Avoid comparing yourself to others.
Surround yourself with supportive people.
Practice meditation.
Adopt an abundance mindset.
Live intentionally.
Why is self-love important?
Self-love can help you feel more connected to yourself, and can improve your self-esteem. Stress, illness, and bereavement can all impact self-esteem.
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HOW TO FALL IN LOVE WITH YOURSELF
One of Tony Robbins’ core messages is, “The quality of your life is the quality of your relationships” – and that includes your relationship with yourself. Learning how to fall in love with yourself is essential to your own happiness, to your success in relationships and to the way you interact with the world. That’s because of the law of attraction: what you put out into the world, you get back tenfold. When you fall in love with yourself, you’ll naturally spread that love out into the world, improving the quality of your life and others.
When you love yourself, you receive more love in return. When you exude confidence and joy, you’ll attract others with the same zest for living. This improves the quality of your relationships, which improves your life. The cycle is clear – and it all starts with falling in love with yourself. But where does self-love come from? And how can you build it? What are the best ways to love yourself?
1. BE KIND TO YOURSELF
It seems simple, but it can be one of the hardest acts of self-love to master. We grow up in a society that is always telling us how to look, how to live and even how to feel. If you’re wondering how to fall in love with yourself, the first step is to give yourself permission to be human. You don’t have to be a super-mom, a fitness model or a billionaire to be worthy of love.
a quote by tony robbins says every single day feed your mind
2. CHANGE YOUR SELF-TALK
“Beliefs have the power to create and the power to destroy,” says Tony. The way you talk to yourself affects your mood and your behavior – and negative inner thoughts become a self-fulfilling prophecy. It’s OK to hold yourself to high standards and to feel negative emotions occasionally, but don’t get stuck in a cycle of negativity. Catch yourself when you fall into negative self-talk and make a conscious effort to change your words into something positive.
a man is looking at his reflection in a broken mirror .
3. ADJUST YOUR PHYSICAL STATE
Your physical state – your posture, breath and movement – is the key to your emotional state. If you don’t feel confident, adjust your body. Straighten your spine and throw your shoulders back. Raise your head high. Smile. Get in a power pose, like standing with your head raised and your arms in a “V” shape or crossed behind your head. These actions send signals to your brain that you’re proud and confident. And when you feel that way, it’s easy to fall in love with yourself.
a man is sitting in a field of tall grass covering his face with his hands .
4. MEDITATE
Meditation is one way to not only change your breath – which is part of your physical state – but also to change your entire mindset. You can also try incantations, which are a vivid visualization of something you want, repeated with enthusiasm and belief. The phrase “I am worthy of love” said with a smile and a confident posture can go a long way to manifesting love in your life. Visualizing your goals is another form of meditation that can reprogram your brain into a state of self-love.
5. SURROUND YOURSELF WITH SUPPORTIVE PEOPLE
It’s true that your most important relationship is with yourself, but that doesn’t mean allowing negativity into your life. Surround yourself with people who care about you and think the best of you. Use the cardinal rules of love to create healthy relationships that bring positivity to your life, and let go of any relationships that aren’t supportive and caring. You won’t just fall in love with yourself – you’ll find your whole life improves.
6. DON’T LOSE YOURSELF IN RELATIONSHIPS
We’ve all heard that we need to love ourselves before we can truly love anyone else. When you don’t love yourself first, you’ll tend to get lost in relationships. You may take on the qualities your partner wants you to have instead of staying true to yourself, find yourself unable to set boundaries or become very needy and always want to be around your partner. This can work at first, but ultimately you’ll end up driving most partners away. Part of knowing how to love yourself in a relationship is being able to identify and communicate your needs and having the confidence to fly solo once in a while. It will only make your relationship
7. ADOPT AN ABUNDANCE MINDSET
When you practice gratitude and adopt an abundance mindset in everything you do, that will naturally bubble over into falling in love with yourself. Find the good in every situation, and stop reading too much into the negative. If you had a bad date, you might think, “I’ll never find love.” Neutralize that thought by thinking about all the love you already have from friends and family – and all the fun dates you’ve been on.
stronger.
a woman is standing in front of a lake with her arms outstretched .
8. GO OFF THE GRID
Taking the time to relax, recharge and reconnect with your core being can help you discover how to fall in love with yourself. If your brain is always on, you’re living in a heightened, unsustainable state. Self-reflection can affirm our sense of ourselves and help us learn from our mistakes. Richard Branson has his best ideas when he disconnects from his smartphone for days at a time. Author and businessman Tony Schwartz credits disconnecting with rediscovering a deeper part of himself. And the research on relaxation is clear: Giving your brain a break actually results in increased creativity and productivity and a sharper memory.
a woman with a clay mask on her face is holding a grapefruit in front of her eye .
9. PRACTICE SELF-CARE
Self-care and self-love are not the same, but they do go hand in hand. When you love yourself, you treat yourself kindly, both emotionally and physically. You wouldn’t want a person you love to live in a stressed state of mind or to avoid doing things they love – so why allow yourself to do those things? Establishing habits of self-care, like eating healthy and exercising can train your brain to think positively. One of the best ways to love yourself is to build a life you love and also to surround yourself with love. Learn how to love yourself in a relationship so that you can create healthy, long-lasting partnerships. Know that you deserve happiness.
10. HAVE FUN
Stress and negativity are enemies of self-love. They can cause you to feel burnt out and alone, and they won’t leave any room in your life for learning how to love yourself. That’s why it’s so important to take the time to create joyful habits and do things that you love. Put on your favorite music and dance around the kitchen. Play a game with your kids or grandkids. Immerse yourself in a good book. Go for a hike and get out in nature. Give yourself a chance to get out of your own head, and you just might find you’re falling in love with the new, spontaneous you.
11. DO SOMETHING YOU’RE GOOD AT
Remember: You are talented and amazing. Do you play an instrument, write short stories or grow the best tomatoes in town? Doing something you’re good at reinforces your confidence and shows you how to fall in love with yourself: by appreciating your own skills. If you can share them with others, that’s even better. You’ll notice others enjoy your talents too, and your social circle will provide encouragement that will build your confidence even more.
a woman is cooking mushrooms in a frying pan on a stove in a kitchen .
12. PUSH YOURSELF
Of course, if we only do things we’re good at, we’ll never grow. It’s crucial to get out of your comfort zone and push your boundaries. Learn a new language or software. Take a public speaking course. Join a singles group. You’ll see that you’re stronger, more resilient and more capable than you thought possible – and you’ll build new skills that can bring positivity to other areas of your life, like your career and relationships. That’s how you really fall in love with yourself.
13. TAKE CREDIT
Many of us are naturally modest. We’re often team-oriented and underplay our own accomplishments in the name of keeping harmony. But taking credit can be good for your self-esteem – and that can help you fall in love with yourself. If your neighbor compliments your piano-playing skills or your friends notice your new public speaking abilities, don’t downplay it. Give them sincere thanks, and take it to heart. You deserve praise.
14. FIND YOUR PURPOSE
Finding your purpose is the ultimate way to learn how to fall in love with yourself. Purpose gives us a reason to get up in the morning and makes us a part of something larger than ourselves. It fulfills several of our 6 Human Needs, including significance, growth and contribution. But purpose rarely reaches out and knocks on our door. To find your purpose, you need to be honest with yourself. What are you most excited about in your life? What brings you joy? Once you uncover meaning in your life, you’ll start to see the bigger picture – and stop criticizing the smaller things.
15. GIVE BACK
The secret to living is giving. Giving back is the ultimate purpose in life and is also the secret to falling in love with yourself: When you have a sense of purpose, you’ll live confidently and stop looking for external affirmation. You know that you have intrinsic worth, because you have gifts to give the world. And when you truly believe that you are here for a reason, loving yourself comes naturally. Find your purpose and light a fire of self-love within you, and others will be attracted to the flames.
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Do You Love Yourself Enough? Here are 25 Signs You Don’t…
Written by Maria Connolly. Posted in Life Skills, Spirituality.
Here are 25 signs that you may not love yourself enough, which is foundational for building a happy, successful life filled with close relationships and joyAs a preteen, did you ever use a daisy to predict if a boy liked you? As you plucked a petal you said, “He loves me.” Then, for the next petal, “He loves me not.”
Kind of sweet but silly, wasn’t it?
Looking back, I think it would have served us better to focus on whether, “I love me or I love me not.” That’s the real foundation for how we live our lives. And it’s often something we don’t get entirely right because of what life throws at us.
Self-love is knowing and accepting that you deserve as much love and affection as anyone else on earth. It means taking care of your physical, mental, emotional, and spiritual needs with kindness. Sad to say, many people don’t treat themselves very well.
However, it’s vital that you love yourself enough. No it’s not selfish or narcissistic or egotistical! If you don’t love yourself, you won’t respect, value or honor yourself. You won’t be happy. Why? Because if you don’t love yourself, what’s the alternative? Indifference. Self-hate. Self-loathing.
If you don’t love yourself, you won’t take proper care of yourself or be happy. This may manifest itself in the following ways:
You feel bad about taking time for yourself.
You tell yourself you’re not good, pretty or smart enough.
You apologize continually for things that don’t need an apology.
You put everyone else first at the expense of your own needs and wants.
You compare yourself unfavorably to others.
You need permission to make self-care a priority.
You feel guilty about spending money on fun things.
You pack your schedule so full because you can’t stand quiet.
You have no idea what your purpose is or what sets your soul on fire.
You need to know what others decide before you make a decision.
You beat yourself up for past failings.
You think you have no gifts or talents or you play them down.
You’re self-critical, only seeing your flaws and feeling unworthy.
You lack self-confidence, so you never try anything that feels risky.
You find it very difficult to stand up for yourself.
You avoid introspection and soul searching.
You blame circumstances or someone else, never seeing your contribution to a problem.
You often say, “I can’t”.
You need others to validate you – “I’m nothing if he doesn’t approve of me”.
You hide your feelings and thoughts so people don’t know the “real” you.
You feel like you’re just existing and getting by.
You keep punishing yourself over the past.
You neglect your health and appearance.
You quit learning and improving because you think, “What’s the use?”
You can’t trust your gut or intuition as you second-guess yourself.
This list is by no means comprehensive, but you may see the tendency toward viewing yourself negatively. Even well-adjusted persons may experience a twinge or two as they read it. We all have a past that follows us in adulthood. We’re all a work in process.
If you’re not treating yourself with the love you deserve, I’d love to help you discover practical ways for achieving greater self-awareness and self-love. I know how scary this can be, but we can do this together. I’ll be sharing some ways to get started in my next blog post.