Self-Talk (polyvagal)

POLYVAGAL

Polyvagal Theory Made Simple

Freedom Self-Talk

At first it may not be so easy to state what your little child wants to hear. Mindfully repeat the phrase that has the strongest emotional impact on you. Work with this particular state­ment for some time, until there is less of an emotional reaction.

I am safe.
I am good.
I am loved.
I am enough.
I am not alone.
I deserve respect.
I deserve kindness.
I deserve happiness.
I can forgive myself.
I can say no.
I can rest.

Music  – Love is all around us.

Inner Child Dialogue

When we experience difficult or even traumatic situations as children, we need comfort and support from our caregivers and parents. We need our feelings to be validated, to feel like we are being held, and to know that everything will be okay. If this generally does not happen when we are children, we may start to question or suppress our own feelings and suffer from helplessness and over­whelm. Over time, as we grow to become adults, we may mask our fears and helplessness by being avoidant, overly confident, and even mean and aggressive. Many people actually don’t know how to deal with these more difficult emotions as they arise, so it makes perfect sense why so many people turn to unhealthy coping mechanisms, like substances, overeating or heavy media consumption.

What if there was a way where you could give that younger version of yourself exactly what you would have needed from your parents and caregivers as a child? There is the so-called inner child dialogue. Working with your inner child basically means addressing parts of yourself that have not yet fully emo­tionally or mentally matured.

The main question for having a dialogue with your inner child is to find out what that younger version of you would have needed back in a very specific situ­ation, and provide that to yourself now. The assumption is that we still attempt to somehow fill those needs that were not sufficiently met by your parents or caregivers through others today. This sometimes works, but oftentimes it creates difficulties in interpersonal relations. You can do the following practice by yourself.

1. Ensure you feel relatively grounded and emotionally stable when starting this practice. You can begin by imagining a situation of light or medium intensity where you feel your needs were not met by your parents.
2. Ask yourself what you would have needed in that specific situation. If you are having difficulties answering this question, think what actions or words would have supported you.

Write these down here.

Words:

Actions:

3. Now see what you would feel comfortable receiving from your partner at this moment. If you do not have a partner, what can you say or do for yourself that would feel nourishing to the need that was not met?
4. Comforting the Inner Child

It may not be so easy to state what exactly your inner child wants to hear. It can be tricky, especially if you are doing such a practice for the first time. See which one has the strongest impact on you. Work with this particular state­ment for some time, until there is less of an emotional response. You can also hang the statement up around your house. If you do not have someone to work with, read the statements to yourself in front of a mirror. You will find that only a few of these statements create a strong emotional reaction.

I am safe.
I am good.
I am loved.
I am enough.
I am not alone.
I deserve respect.
I deserve kindness.
I deserve happiness.
I can forgive myself.
I can say no.
I can rest.

Exploring Different Ways of Co-Regulation Through Touch

Touch is a powerful tool for co-regulation, helping to activate the parasympa­thetic nervous system and promote feelings of safety and connection. It can help someone out of parasympathetic freeze and out of sympathetic activation. Since touch can be highly triggering for someone that has experienced some form of physical abuse or violence, it should only be used in a careful and consensual manner. If you are supporting someone as a therapist or professional, never touch a client without asking first. Once you begin any practice that involves touch, frequently check in with your client on whether they are still willing to receive your touch. The same goes if you are supporting a friend or partner.

Return to Ventral Vagal

Here are different ways you can use touch to help you or someone else co-regulate. Note that most of the practices involving touch are best done with someone you know personally and trust. Read through the list and then choose to practice the one that feels most appropriate for you at this moment.

Receiving touch from someone we know and trust:

■     Sitting Close: Simply sitting close to someone you trust can provide a sense of safety and connection.

■     Leaning Against Each Other: Leaning back-to-back or side-to-side can create a shared sense of calm.

■     Gentle Hand Holding: Holding hands with a trusted person can provide immediate comfort and signal safety to your nervous system.

■    Head Patting: Gently patting someone’s head can be very soothing.

■     Back Rubbing: Gentle back rubs can help relax the muscles and signal safety to the nervous system.

■     Arm Stroking: Lightly stroking someone’s arm can help them feel more relaxed and connected.

■     Shoulder Massage: A gentle shoulder massage can release tension and promote relaxation.

■     Foot Massage: Foot massages can help ground and calm both the giver and receiver.

■     Long Hugs: Engaging in hugs that last at least 20 seconds stimulates the release of oxytocin, which helps reduce stress and enhance feel­ings of safety and bonding.

■     Heart-to-Heart Hugs: Aligning your chest with someone else’s can enhance the calming effect of the hug.

■     Cuddle Sessions: Spending time cuddling with a partner or loved one can significantly reduce stress and anxiety.

■     Weighted Blankets: While not the touch of another person, weight­ed blankets can simulate the feeling of being held and help calm the nervous system.

Receiving touch from a therapist or licensed professional:

■    Placing hands on the client’s shoulder or tapping their back.

■    Any form of alternative healing, such as massage, Reiki or energy healing, acupuncture or craniosacral therapy.

Combining Touch with Different Cues

I have mentioned throughout this workbook that people with trauma, PTSD or C-PTSD often perceive the world differently. The perception of faces and voices changes, often resulting in seeing and hearing danger where there ac­tually is none. If someone does not learn to co-regulate through their parents or caregivers, is met with inconsistent emotional or physical availability or is even a victim of abuse in their own home, their ability to connect with others is often disturbed. Living in a constant state of dysregulation of the nervous system, whether it’s freeze/collapse or fight/flight, will reduce your capacity to feel calm and at ease around others. Yet, it is the relationships with others that can really help bring the nervous system back into a regulated state.

Imagine you were bullied at school. You were quite smart and much more interested in books and philosophical discussions with the teacher than in being cool and getting along with others. You are left out and are often verbally the target of the “cool” kids in class. Furthermore, you learn that it’s not safe to be around others, especially if you are being yourself.

20 years later, you still have problems connecting to others. You don’t know how to behave and assume that if you act like yourself, you will be rejected. As a result, you continue to spend most of your time alone, making it harder and harder for others to approach you. How do you presume you can heal this teenage trauma? The only way to heal your insecurity and fear of rejection is exactly through social contact with others. Contact people who unconditionally accept you just the way you are, people who help you see that you are loved and accepted no matter what. Here are a few more inspirations to the touch practices.

Return to Ventral Vagal

Practice Facial Cues and Voice Tone with Touch

Go back to the previous tool and pick a way of receiving a form of touch you haven’t tried from someone that you love and trust. Practice with a partner and ask them to include some facial cues. It’s best to pick one of the practices where you can actually see each other for this. Ask your partner to smile gently and maintain eye contact while supporting you with their touch.

Ensure that you only do this practice if you feel okay with being touched at this moment. As a therapist, it is best to work with facial cues and voice tone before moving to a practice of co-regulation through touch. You can support your clients through a gentle smile and a soft, calm voice, stating things such as “That must have been difficult for you,” or “I can understand your anger.”

Co-Regulation Through Touch:

A Big Strong Hug

Since touch is such an important way to help someone regulate and calm their nervous system, I would like to share another method that can work well between a couple, very good friends or close family members. Ensure that you practice this method at a time when you are calm and relaxed. Then ask your friends to support you the next time they see you emotional or upset.

You can either ask your friend to perform a big strong hug facing you or from behind while either standing up or sitting. Make sure you choose what feels best and most supportive for you. In a moment when you feel upset or emotional, your close friend, family member or partner will begin to hug you in the way you practiced before. They will hug you as hard as you tell them to, but do note that the squeeze is intended to be noticeable. Your partner should hug you for as long as it takes for you to feel quieter and calmer inside.

Note also that there may be some resistance in the beginning, especially if you are experiencing strong emotions. This practice really needs to be done with caution and care, and at the correct moment.

Source- Polyvagal Theory Made Simple

You are loved.	You have a voice.
You are safe.	You can change your mind.
You are enough.	It is okay to listen to your body.
You deserve to be treated kindly.	It is okay to play.
You can take time to rest.	It is okay to express your emotions.
You deserve respect.	You are resilient.
You deserve happiness.	It is okay to ask questions.
You are not alone.	You are allowed to take care of your needs.
You can forgive yourself.	You can do this.
You are allowed to say no.	Your feelings matter.
You can ask for help.	You can walk your own path.
It is okay to make mistakes.	You are brave.
You can trust your instincts.	You have potential.